I THINK I CAN BE "FUNNY" AT TIMES!! HERE'S SOME COP HUMOR TO GET YOU LAUGHING!!!!

THINKING ABOUT GETTING A TASER FOR YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND??? THINK AGAIN!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife!!



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing
out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 1 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
'don't do it, dipshit",'reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and
. . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !!!. . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position
, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself,
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts
and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!